Buying Chicken

Buying Chicken Breasts in America:

On any typical day in America, you might think to yourself, "Hmm, I'd like to fix chicken tonight." In response to your need, you hop in the car and drive to Publix (for you Alabamian friends) or Kroger (you other people). You spend 5, 15, 30, 90 minutes circling the parking lot looking for a good spot. You park. You walk back to the meat section and you stand over a vast array of chicken breasts neatly washed, deboned, skinned, and packed into a nice little styrofoam tray, plastic wrapped, and stuck with a price tag. You get the bagger boy to put it in a separate bag because, heaven forbid, you spread salmonella cooties and cause a pandemic in your 1500 sq foot kitchen.

Upon your arrival home, you park in the garage... begrudgingly walk from the basement to the first floor up the steps and begin the cooking process. You roll your sleeves up, get out your double bagged chicken, and make an awkward face as you get it into whatever cooking means you choose as quickly as possible. You then coat the house 7 or 8 times with Lysol, clorox, and comet cleanser.

You consume. You wash the kitchen again, just in case.

Buying Chicken Breasts Here:

Well, there is no Publix or Kroger, and Wal-Mart chicken is kinda of odd, so thankfully your friend has told you about and introduced you to the Chicken Lady at the wet market across the street.

wet market: a creepy "outdoor" market, indoors that sells fresh fruits, vegetables, and meat off of dead animal carcasses. The floor is always strangely wet, and if you were to slip and fall, it would be best to run towards the sweet release of death as quickly as possible.

Chicken Lady, who, by the way, wears dresses, high heels, and a grungy apron, is excellent because she will let you order chicken by bulk and JUST the chicken breast, which her chicken selling colleagues will, in fact, not do. She will even debone the chicken breasts for you. (Do be sure to take the bones with you though, she finds it odd if you don't!)

To order chicken breasts, Chicken Lady prefers that her foreign customers call her the night before. However, this white kid has horrible language, particularly over the phone where he cannot motion with his hands. So, he goes just before closing to Chicken Lady's stand and says something like the following:

White Kid: "Hello!"

Chicken Lady: "Hello Hello! Have you eaten? How are you?"

WK: "Good! Tomorrow, I want chicken, uh..." At this point, WK forgets the word for breasts, so he just points to his own (albeit nonexistent) breasts.

CL: At this point, Chicken Lady points to her girls and says, "Breasts?"

WK: Slightly embarrassed, but mostly amused at the sight of this encounter between foreigner and local... "Uh, yes, 10."

CL: "Ok! What time?"

WK: "10:00am" Only, he knows they won't be ready by then, so he'll show up closer to 11:00am

CL: "Good Good!"

WK: "Thank you! Good bye!"

CL "Don't mention it!! Goodbye!"

The next day you go visit Chicken Lady to pick up your chicken breasts. If you're lucky, she has already deboned them, and today she had! She weighs them, and then tells you the price. You pray "PLEASE LET ME HAVE EXACT CHANGE!!!" You don't. You hand her money. Her grimy chicken goo hands hand you back change. You put it in your pocket and mentally label it "chicken money." You take your bag of chicken and you go home.

By "go home" it means you walk back down and across the street, climb 6 flights of stairs to the 7th floor. You don't complain, because, after all, this is the 1 billionth time you've done this in the past year. Ok, you complain a little. It's like 20lbs of chicken.

Once you get home, it's time to clean it up. You cut the whole chicken breasts into 2 halves. You take the skin off. You gag a few times because it's gross. You wash your hands 2425425 times, and you take breaks often because it's gross. You bag it in a ziplock. You freeze it. You disinfect your kitchen. You think, "I can't wait to buy chicken in America!"

Walmart...Read: Death Trap!

I hate Walmart. Only, I think that hate is not a strong enough word. Unfortunately, I also love Walmart because there are things that I can get there, that cannot be found elsewhere. The problem with Walmart is that Asians have no idea how to shop there. In fact, Walmart is the antithesis to Asian culture.

Walmart is known for it's "one stop shopping," read "efficient," read "should be quick and easy." As a point of reference, the only time Asians get in a hurry is when public transportation is involved. That is getting on a crowded bus, embarking/disembarking a plane, and boarding a train. At Walmart, and most other places, Asians are super slow and "sui bian" or "go with the flow/whatever."

When I go to Walmart, I have a plan. I know what I want to buy. If there is something that I don't know if Walmart sells and want to check, I plan for that as well. I think "hmm... where might that item be located?" I get an idea. I go. I glance. I find or I don't find. I keep moving. Asians do not plan when they go to Walmart. They go for the experience. They saunter. They look at everything. They don't keep moving.

In America, Walmart is huge. It's one level. And you could get lost. In Asia, at least at mine, Walmart is 2 levels. It is not huge. Can you see where I am going with this? 1.6 billion people sauntering, experiencing, looking, NOT MOVING, in just 2 small stories. It is a death trap.

One day, my friends, you will read the international news and this will be the headline, "American's Brain Explodes in East Asian Walmart"

How was that Brad B?

The Love of My Life: A Poem

I love her with all of my heart.

This isn't just because she's smart!

She has a beautiful soul,

She ceaselessly makes me whole!

Although her love is mostly sporadic,

My love for her makes me an addict.

For even though she rarely comes by,

Her presence here gives me a high.

Rumor has it my True Love is coming!

You better believe that news sends me humming

A song so loud and clear,

She'll no doubt know that I am right here.

Who is this lover you inquire,

Whose 23 flavors do inspire?

Dr. Pepper is her name,

Her taste will light my flame!

That's right! The new import store has Dr. Pepper on the way and that means it's here to stay!!

Per Request of Erin in Ukraine...

So... my friend Erin told me today that I needed to update my blog. I don't really have any good stories, though. In an effort to please the fans at a time of blogger's block, I will post some great things about the place I live...

1. TCBY. That's right, a recent discovery. I don't know why I didn't know this was here, but it is. I almost cried when I saw it I was so happy!

2. Trash pick up. Everyday. More than once.

3. Friendly people. As a general rule, the people here are great. There are "those people," but as a whole, great bunch of folks!

4. Showers. I know what you're thinking, "Most people have showers." But here's the thing. The heat index outside is hotter 'an blue blazes, so inside it's about the temp of blue blazes. Showers have to happen multiple times and I'm just thankful that they do.

5. Drink stands every 5 or 6 feet. Nice

6. David's. A drink stand... kinda of like Sonic, but not at all. It still deserves it's own number though.

7. Wal-Mart x2.

8. Fresh vegetables all year. They have pumpkins all year as well. Mmm... pumpkin bread!

9. Great restaurants. Particularly one around the corner... Xian Shan... good stuff.

10. Service oriented. It's great...

11. Cooking with gas... so much better than electricity.

12. Cheap stuff: haircut= $3; massage= $4; bottle of water= $.30; McDonald's ice cream= $.36

Ok, 12 is enough. Happy blogging!

101 Reasons why you shouldn't leave home without your camera...

Let me paint you a picture. Close your eyes. Put yourself in Asia.

It's Sunday night. You're a strange kid with a little dose of OCD. At 8 o'clock you think to yourself, "You know what, I want a haircut." Now that the thought is in your head, you realize you NEED a haircut and if you don't get one, it will drive you crazy. (Ok, crazier) So, off you go, down your 6 flights of stairs, out the  gate, and across the street to the salon.

Upon entering the salon you put on your "semi-dumb American" facial expression and, in more of a question tone than what's actually right, you say "Wo yao lifa" and then nod your head as if you know what they are saying back to you. You get excited, my friend, because at this point you realize that the hair washing begins. After a good 10 minute wash and rinse you go sit in the chair and the haircut takes place. Afterwards, you get about a 5 minute wash and then your hair is blown dry. You pay. You leave. You are satisfied because haircuts have become MUCH more about the experience than the actual cut, which, let's be honest, isn't the best in the world. You paid $2.23 so "whatever."

As you walk towards the street you realize, "Man, I want an ice cream cone from McDonald's!" You continue walking and get about 1/4 of the way there and realize "Ehh, I don't want to walk all the way there, plus I'm starting to get hungry and I've already eaten there this week and I'll end up buying a double cheese burger, hold the cheese." You're now just down from the grocery store, so you decide to go in.

As you disembark from the escalator you suddenly think, "This was a stupid mistake. I should have gone for the ice cream." Luckily the Lord is looking out for you and unknowingly, this will indeed NOT be a mistake. You don't know that yet, however, so your negative thoughts continue as follows: "1.6 billion people in this country and 2.6 are in here. There have got to be less tragic ways to die than 'Trampled By Angry Asian Mob in Search for Hot Deals'" But, alas, you get your laundry detergent, coke, and loofah and go to the check out. 

You are relieved. The line was pretty short and all in all it only took about 20 minutes. You head out of the store, show your receipt, and dig for the cold bottle of coke you purchased impulsively and head up the escalator. To your delight you hear what seems to be a catchy song and possibly an event taking place on the outside of the store. (Point of clarification... when you entered the store, you went in the back. You are now exiting the front. Thus, you did not hear said catchy song upon arrival.)

As you reach the top of the escalator and turn to exit the store you realize that the song you are hearing sounds like something that should be played after "Bolero" and before "Malaguena" in the musical Blast! and then you see it: all 101 reasons why you shouldn't leave home without your camera wrapped into 1 huge reason.

Yes, on stage is a little girl (about 7) with braided pig tails in a sparkling red dress. Her smile goes from ear to ear. You blink your eyes to make sure you are not dreaming. As you open them, you realize that yes, she is, in fact, playing a set of drums to the music you are hearing.  

This, friend, is why your camera should be as much a part of your ensemble as your clothes.

   

So this one time I had a blog...

Ok, so I am one of the worst bloggers out there. I never keep up with this thing. So... here's several blog worthy moments wrapped into one. You can read it in segments and that way you'll think I'm updating regularly. 

Ten Clues It's Summer Here...

1. You don't remember the last time you wore socks and your feet have the tan lines for your chacos, teva flip flops, and crocs. 

2. You refuse to go to anything that would call for you wearing pants.

3. The heat index is higher than the average 3rd grader can count. 

4. You've taken up swimming everyday, not because there's a pool, but because with the humidity as high as it is, it's just more practical to SWIM through the air than WALK on the ground.

5. You are beginning to hate people who have central air conditioner. That's right, hate. Jealousy was back somewhere around April 3rd or so. 

6. Every Asian man who is above 30 and has a beer belly rolls their shirt up to where just their bellies are sticking out. You contemplate doing this, but you realize that A. you're white and B. you have more hair on your stomach than all the men in your complex have combined.

7. You can literally smell people from 10 feet away and you KNOW that if you had to give up one of your 5 senses it would be smell with no questions asked.

8. You're starting to forget what it feels like to be completely dry, because most of the time you're wet with sweat. MMMM...sweat.

9. You don't take a hot shower. Well, that is you don't use the hot water heater, but the water is hot because the pipe runs outside. 

10. You're pretty much "not fresh" by the time you walk out your gate, if you make it that far.

So Ryan and Bradley came to town...

This past week 2 friends from home made the trip over the Pacific. We had ALOT of fun. Here's some snippets...

HK... great city, lots of fun, lots of food, lots of sights!

Fever problems at the border, have no fear, we got through...

$0.36 McDonald's ice cream at least every other day, sometimes more

Ryan got locked in the bathroom...

Bradley busted down bathroom door to get Ryan out

Ryan was behind on Lost... we watched almost a full season...

We laughed. We ate. We laughed some more. We ate some more.

Alright folks. Two whole blogs in one. Be happy. Peace out blogspot.

Electrician Lady

Electrician lady... replacing light switch... all the power is still on... will she be fried? It's like watching the discovery channel or something! I'll keep you updated...