52 Things You Don't Experience in America (Part 2)

14. Everyday trash pick up: Here, the trash is picked up, not just everyday, but twice everyday! Grant it, everyone lives in apartments and the trash bags are smaller than the kind you keep in your office in America, so it's a must, but it's still awesome. My trash receptacle is 9 steps down from my door. I average .986 on ringing the bucket without ever leaving my apartment!

15. Trash cans for #2 toilet paper waste: Heaven forbid that the western toilets be able to handle toilet paper disposal. Some can. Mine cannot. I have a poop pail right next to my toilet. It's kind of gross really. But, thanks to #14 (above), it doesn't have to stay for very long! 99.9999% of squatty potties cannot handle toilet paper either, so there are trash cans (sometimes) associated with those as well.

16. Family style dining: Most often, when you go to a restaurant, you order several dishes that are to be shared by everyone. The tables are usually round and have a lazy susan in the middle so those dining can have easy spin action access to all the dishes. Every person has their own little bowl, and you just pick out a little at a time. No one knows how much you eat. It's fantastic really. I WILL have a round table and we WILL have a lazy susan. It's great, really!

17. Noodle shops: One thing about this place that I love is the over abundance of noodle shops. There are a billion different noodles: rice, flour, wheat, Muslim, and the list goes on. They come in a bowl, there's some vegetableish something, there's some spices, there's some meat. They are delicious. More often than not, the sketchier the restaurant looks, the better their noodles are.

18. Red lanterns and other decorations: At least in my city, and I assume the same is true throughout, this place goes ALL OUT (well, sorta) with decorations for holidays. Just recently we have celebrated National Day and Mid-Autumn Festival. The trees on the main streets are covered with red paper lanterns, the streets have tons of potted flowers set in unique shapes and designs, and "art" has been added in several places. Christmas decorations will come out in mid December or so. They are not good ones! You know when you go to the dollar store and you see all the really cruddy decorations at Christmas and you think to yourself, "Who buys this mess?" The answer: ASIA. This country is like one big trailer park puttin' on the dog for Christmas. After Christmas comes New Year. EVERYONE decorates for the Lunar New Year. There's lots of reds, lots of mandarin orange bushes/trees, and lots of other great things like smoldering incense and sugar cane. Maybe I'll make it a goal to post some pics.

19. Western food that really isn't Western: In America, when you go to an "ethnic" restaurant, more often than not, it's relatively close. Now, I say this, and at the same time think, "But that's not really true for Chinese food." Anyway, there are some "Western restaurants" here that make a good stab at Western food, but just fall short. Maybe you do experience this in America. Maybe all my ethnic foods experiences have been lies in the culinary world. Maybe I'll never appreciate ethnic food again. Maybe I'll be in counseling when I'm 30 (which, dang it! isn't that far away) and confess, "It all started with #19!" Maybe Elbert is right, "That's not a taco!"

20. $1.32 cans of Dr. Pepper: That's right, I pay $1.32 for Dr. Pepper. I was without it for so long, and now I have it, and it's going to make me homeless. Wow, if I end up living here, I might squander my future children's education fund on Dr. Pepper.

21. Joy over McDonald's, KFC, Pizza Hut, and others: So here, these are our 3 Western Restaurants. At any given moment in time in America, I wouldn't really head to these first. Although, I do like McDonald's every once in a while. However, it's sometimes a special treat to have these. What's really amazing though, are trips to great places like Hong Kong, Thailand, and others that have REAL restaurants such as California Pizza Kitchen (SWEET TEA!!), T.G.I. Fridays, Western Sizzler, and a plethora of other greats. You should really have seen the joy in this kid as he drank an unlimited refills sweet tea and ate a BBQ chicken salad from CPK. I cried at one point! Have you ever cried over a salad and sweet tea? I bet you haven't...

22. Electric bikes with more than 2 people: Now, electric bikes already have ego issues, so I'm really not doing any favors by adding something about them twice, but this is great. There's nothing like seeing a family of 4 and their dog zooming down the street on an electric bike. It's exciting.

23. Dead animals on the back of bicycles and other 2 wheeled vehicles: Yesterday, I was standing at a red light waiting to cross the street. The man on his bike next to me had 2 plastic bags filled with dead, whole (including head and feet) chickens. It was amazing. My favorite dead animal to see on these 2 wheelers is pigs. Often I see deboned pigs slung on the back of motorcycles. It's awesome! They flap up and down as they go. MMM pork!

24. Chicken and duck feet for snack: Asians LOVE to gnaw on the feet of innocent poultry. I'm not quite sure how they are cooked, or what there is to eat on the foot of a bird, but they LOVE them. Here's a piece of useless trivia to help you sleep better at night. Did you know that Tyson Chicken is the #1 importer of chicken feet? No lie.

25. 1.6 Billion people staring at you or saying "Hello! Hello! Hello!" as you walk down the street: every time I go out I get "Hello!" at least 5-10 times. It's great. When I travel to smaller towns/villages, I feel as though I should wave and throw out candy.

26. High heels on 92.6924% of the women: High heels here say, "I don't work in the fields," so much women wear them. The sidewalks are not even. I trip all the time. How do these women not die? Can we say, "Thank you, Lord, for making me a man!"

52 Things You Don't Experience in America (Part 1)

Well, I've lived in this country for a year now! In honor of that, I thought I'd make a list of things you don't experience in America. I'll give you 52, one for each week I've been here. They don't coincide with the weeks... I just didn't want to make a list of 100, so I'll give you 52 in no order. I have ADHD, so it'll be in parts. Here's the first 13...

1. Squatty Potties: If you think toilets are the same all over the world, you don't know squat!! In the majority of the world, toilets are mere holes in the floor. Some are rather nice, made of porcelain, and flush. Others, say in villages and such, are holes in the ground next to the pig sties. Here's a few tips to using the squatter...

1) DON'T SIT ON THE SQUATTY!!

2) Do squat exercises starting at least 2 months prior to leaving America. It's not easy!!

3) Work on your built in body compass. You've GOT to make sure both holes involved line up.

4) Figure out what to do with your pants now! You DON'T want them to touch the floor, and you DEFINITELY DON'T want to miss the squatty and hit your pants. When all else fails, rip those suckers off (Yes, I've squattied pantsless!!)

5) If you're a man, load up on pepto and imodium. With any luck, you'll only have to stand, not squat!

2. Lunar New Year Fireworks: I know what you're thinking, "Come on man, we have fireworks here." Oh you do, do you? At the stroke of midnight on Lunar New Year's Eve 1.6 billion people set off fireworks. By 12:05 AM, you cannot see 10 feet in front of you due to the smoke. There are more fireworks shot off here, than America has seen on every 4th of July combined since July 4th, 1776.

3. Split Pants: Diapers are a rarity here. Within a few months of a child's life, families begin "potty training," so to speak. All children (toddler and younger) wear clothes with splits in the appropriate places. When the parents think it's time to go, they hold the baby, spread it's legs, and go "ssssssssssssssssssss" in the baby's ear. In turn, the baby goes. This can take place ANYWHERE. Over the squatty, on the sidewalk, anywhere. When I say ANYWHERE, I mean it. I've even seen a child pee in a plastic bag on a city bus. Split pants are worn all year too. It's actually quite sad to see a child all bundled up in the winter and then their little hinies red from the cold.

4. Shower heads w/o stalls: More often than not, the "shower" is simply a faucet on the wall. The bathroom gets soaked. I've lived here long enough, that if the bathroom is not soaked in the morning when I'm getting ready, it just doesn't feel right.

5. Bamboo scaffolding: It's everywhere! Unless a high rise is being built, most of the time, the scaffolding is made out of bamboo. There's a weight limit though: 140 lbs!

6. The wet market: This is another experience that happens all over the world. The easiest way to describe this is to get you to picture the farmer's market. Now, soak the floor (or ground down), multiply the people by a few hundred, and add dead animal carcasses. There's nothing like fresh produce and meat, but it is gross! For a fun description of an experience I had at the wet market, read my Chicken Lady post.

7. 7th story apartment without an elevator: Enough said! Is this even legal in America?

8. No central heating and air: We do have wall units that are similar to window units. I live in the deep south, so heat is rare, but I do personally have heat.

9. Concrete... everything: Here, the main material used in building houses is concrete. The floors, the walls, the ceilings, everything is concrete. Laminate flooring and some paint is added, but everything is still mostly concrete. It TRAPS the cold like nobody's business. Want to hang a picture? Be prepared to drill or hammer for HOURS. But hey, you're pretty safe in a fire, which is good for New Years when they set off fireworks in the stairwells.

10. 1.6 billion bicycles: They even have their own lane, but that doesn't matter. Why? Well, let me tell you, dear blog reader. Let me begin by stating that there are 2 types of bicycles, regular and electric. Electric bicycle owners unfortunately think they have the option of deciding when their electric bike is a mere bicycle, and when it is an automobile. During peak traffic times, bicyclers ride on the sidewalk. Electric bicyclers FLY down the sidewalk blaring their horn. IT'S THE SIDEWALK PEOPLE!!! AS IN, THAT THING THAT WE WALK ON TO THE SIDE OF THE STREET!!!!

11. Rice: Again, I realize you have rice in America. But do you have it everyday, 3 times a day? Thankfully rice tastes better on chopsticks, and sometimes, when you're craving 2000 of something, rice is the only thing that's feasible.

12. Sketchy internet: Stop complaining about all that high speed stuff you've got across the pond.

13. Hair cut/Massage combo: I've discussed this before, but hair cuts involve 2 shampoos AND a massage. Oh man... is there a better way to spend $3.00???

Check back later for Part 2!!

Happy First Birthday, Blog!

I just wanted to point out that my blog is 1 year old today. That's all really.

Buying Chicken

Buying Chicken Breasts in America:

On any typical day in America, you might think to yourself, "Hmm, I'd like to fix chicken tonight." In response to your need, you hop in the car and drive to Publix (for you Alabamian friends) or Kroger (you other people). You spend 5, 15, 30, 90 minutes circling the parking lot looking for a good spot. You park. You walk back to the meat section and you stand over a vast array of chicken breasts neatly washed, deboned, skinned, and packed into a nice little styrofoam tray, plastic wrapped, and stuck with a price tag. You get the bagger boy to put it in a separate bag because, heaven forbid, you spread salmonella cooties and cause a pandemic in your 1500 sq foot kitchen.

Upon your arrival home, you park in the garage... begrudgingly walk from the basement to the first floor up the steps and begin the cooking process. You roll your sleeves up, get out your double bagged chicken, and make an awkward face as you get it into whatever cooking means you choose as quickly as possible. You then coat the house 7 or 8 times with Lysol, clorox, and comet cleanser.

You consume. You wash the kitchen again, just in case.

Buying Chicken Breasts Here:

Well, there is no Publix or Kroger, and Wal-Mart chicken is kinda of odd, so thankfully your friend has told you about and introduced you to the Chicken Lady at the wet market across the street.

wet market: a creepy "outdoor" market, indoors that sells fresh fruits, vegetables, and meat off of dead animal carcasses. The floor is always strangely wet, and if you were to slip and fall, it would be best to run towards the sweet release of death as quickly as possible.

Chicken Lady, who, by the way, wears dresses, high heels, and a grungy apron, is excellent because she will let you order chicken by bulk and JUST the chicken breast, which her chicken selling colleagues will, in fact, not do. She will even debone the chicken breasts for you. (Do be sure to take the bones with you though, she finds it odd if you don't!)

To order chicken breasts, Chicken Lady prefers that her foreign customers call her the night before. However, this white kid has horrible language, particularly over the phone where he cannot motion with his hands. So, he goes just before closing to Chicken Lady's stand and says something like the following:

White Kid: "Hello!"

Chicken Lady: "Hello Hello! Have you eaten? How are you?"

WK: "Good! Tomorrow, I want chicken, uh..." At this point, WK forgets the word for breasts, so he just points to his own (albeit nonexistent) breasts.

CL: At this point, Chicken Lady points to her girls and says, "Breasts?"

WK: Slightly embarrassed, but mostly amused at the sight of this encounter between foreigner and local... "Uh, yes, 10."

CL: "Ok! What time?"

WK: "10:00am" Only, he knows they won't be ready by then, so he'll show up closer to 11:00am

CL: "Good Good!"

WK: "Thank you! Good bye!"

CL "Don't mention it!! Goodbye!"

The next day you go visit Chicken Lady to pick up your chicken breasts. If you're lucky, she has already deboned them, and today she had! She weighs them, and then tells you the price. You pray "PLEASE LET ME HAVE EXACT CHANGE!!!" You don't. You hand her money. Her grimy chicken goo hands hand you back change. You put it in your pocket and mentally label it "chicken money." You take your bag of chicken and you go home.

By "go home" it means you walk back down and across the street, climb 6 flights of stairs to the 7th floor. You don't complain, because, after all, this is the 1 billionth time you've done this in the past year. Ok, you complain a little. It's like 20lbs of chicken.

Once you get home, it's time to clean it up. You cut the whole chicken breasts into 2 halves. You take the skin off. You gag a few times because it's gross. You wash your hands 2425425 times, and you take breaks often because it's gross. You bag it in a ziplock. You freeze it. You disinfect your kitchen. You think, "I can't wait to buy chicken in America!"